From the start of the financial crisis right up until today, we have been bombarded with story after story of how much wealth was vaporized from the global financial system. It seems all the news is about dollars and cents. How much did your 401k or 403b go down? How about your IRA’s, your home value? Everything is focused on the material-money, and little conversation is had discussing the emotional, physical and spiritual ramifications this crisis is having on regular people’s lives.

As a financial planner working mainly with couples, I see firsthand the damage this crisis has had and continues to have on relationships. Let’s face it; money is a tricky enough subject to deal with when things are good. But when the s**t hits the fan, whether it’s a job loss, too much credit card debt, too much spending, not enough saving, you name it, the inability to communicate and resolve conflict grows and grows and the risk to your relationship grows as well.

You can probably think of a couple right now that is in danger of losing their relationship over their inability to communicate effectively around money. Currently, we have an epidemic of married as well as committed non-married couples that are separating and divorcing in record numbers. This is really the hard stuff.

Get Away-Change of Scenery

One of the best things a couple can do when money is causing conflict is to get away from their day to day routine and plan a short getaway trip. Find a place where you both feel inspired to be, whether that’s the sea, mountains, desert, you name it, but most importantly go there with the spirit and intention of creating workable solutions to your current conflict.

Wake up the next morning at your getaway place and say to yourself, today,

I’m going to put all my frustration, anger, shame, blame, confusion and mistrust aside.

Today is my day to listen, really listen to this person I truly love.

I will put all my assumptions that I have held on to so tightly and start anew.

I will learn and discover more about my husband's/wife's/partner's relationship with money than perhaps I ever knew possible.

I will suspend all doubt that we can make it through this very challenging time.

I will have faith and trust in a divine solution to my current troubles.

I will take this new found belief in the long term success of my relationship and nurture it, concentrate, visualize it and surround it with faith.

I will remind myself as often as is necessary, all the reasons I love this person and use the power of love to heal whatever divisions and conflicts we’re currently dealing with.

As you begin communicating and really listening to each other; take turns asking each other the following questions. Hopefully, the answers you hear will provide you insight into your partner’s relationship with money.

• What are your values and goals around money?
• What messages, indirect or direct, did you receive from your mother regarding money? from your father?
• Can you describe your parents financial history?
• What financial values or discussions with your parents continue to affect you today?
• What is your first memory around money?
• What are some of the financial decisions you have made in the past that you regret?
• What are some of the best financial decisions you made in the past?
• What causes you the most frustration about money in our relationship?
• If you had a magic wand, and could change three things about your relationship with money, what would they be?
• What are three things we can do starting next week to help us communicate better around money?
• Are you willing to meet once a week for 30-minutes and discuss our personal finances?
• Do you feel we should work with a couple’s therapist or can we handle this on our own?

As an additional resource for couples, I highly recommend the book, Money Harmony, written by Olivia Mellan. 

The truth of the matter is, with a financial crisis of this magnitude, couples that were on the bubble to begin with most likely will not make it. But as long as there’s still a flicker of hope left, work it, work it and work it. Divorce is one solution, but it’s an emotionally draining not to mention financially draining experience to go through.

Money still remains the number one reason for marriages ending in divorce. There has to be a better way. Have the courage it takes to face your money demons and do everything in your power to save your relationship, you won’t regret it.